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168 free books are ready to be read. This is the part where some folks would complain about the excesses of capitalism, but there’s no capitalism here - they’re free! These promos are almost over, so come have a look if you haven’t already!
June Fantasy/Sci-Fi Freebies
FREE Adventures in Sci-fi & Fantasy - June
I’ve got to say, this particular promo got a ton of attention from readers participating in it, more so than the usual sci-fi/fantasy ones usually bring. But what do you all think - do you like having a wider span of genres of free books to choose from rather than having a fantasy/sci-fi focus? Let me know!
Color My World With Free Fiction!
And of course, we can’t forget about Bardly Whitsend. I’ve been going off about the awful Phantom of the Opera sequel for a few posts now, but I’ll have more to say about Bardly - and news about a new series I’m working on (outside of the Bardlyverse) soon. Meanwhile, here’s griffon eggball teams, Libertine Dragonheart’s Scarlet Room of Affection, intrustive interdimensional reality shows, and more! All ten books for $17.99! That's over 50% savings!
Alright, on to the rant.
The Beauty Underneath, And Why Love Never Dies Should Be Put Underneath A Very Large Rock Or Perhaps A Mound Of Dirt
Rock musicals always have at least one big bombastic show-stealer somewhere in the mix. Rocky Horror Picture Show highlighted the glam anthem Time Warp. The Book of Mormon had a pretty rocking Spooky Mormon Hell Dream. Frank Wildhorn’s version of Monte Cristo featured Edmund belting out a blistering revenge anthem in Hell to Your Doorstep, while Yuliy Kim’s Монте-Кристо’s Любовь моя навсегда (My Love, Forever) is rival Fernand’s aching cry to Mercedes. Der Letzle Tanz (The Last Dance) from the German musical Elisabeth shifts from icily seductive to volcanic madness. And of course, Phantom of the Opera had the iconic The Mirror / Angel of Music / Music of the Night sequence.
So those are all fine and dandy. Love Never Dies had its own showstopper, just before the end of the first act—The Beauty Underneath.
Gustave, is this the man who abducted you?
Well, I wish it would have stopped the show. Then the audience could have gotten the rest of their evening back without having to slog through the wretched Why Does She Love Me? (spoiler: she doesn’t), the bafflingly banal Bathing Beauty, the reprise of Heaven by the Sea—as if anyone needed one of those—and several closing scenes involving those critical characters of the Phantomverse: Fleck, Gangle, and Squelch. (Remember them? No? Astonishing.)
How To Maximize Your Per-Minute Enjoyment Of This Musical
If you made the mistake of staying through intermission and want to wring the last bit of enjoyment from this musical, you can wait for the overwrought (but I repeat myself) yet half-decent Devil Take the Hindmost right near the beginning of Act II. Then excuse yourself to the restroom, pick up your things from the coat check, and go for dinner. (The reprise of this song adds nothing, so don’t wait around.)
Nonetheless, you gritted your teeth and stuck it out until the Phantom exhumed the desiccated corpse of more painstakingly recycled themes from both the original Phantom and this one, with the terminally dull Phantom Confronts Christine. This is when we find out for sure that not only did Christine cheat on Raoul with the Phantom the night the Phantom tried to murder her fiancé—she also stuck him with raising the son of his would-be killer. No wonder he’s drinking himself to death. I would too.
Of course, this all happened after the Phantom threatened to disappear the kid earlier in the show, so now we know that our eternal subterranean bad boy is fine with murdering not only adults, but children too—except ones he’s biologically related to, of course. (For more on this, see my previous post on why the original Raoul was a far better match for Christine than the Phantom ever was.)
Congratulations. You made it all the way here. Now let’s talk about what you just watched.
The Beauty Underneath
The original Phantom of the Opera was a sensual, dramatic story—that is, of course, if you ignore all the red flags that the Phantom waved like an air marshal. Like its predecessors Angel of Music and Point of No Return, The Beauty Underneath is a weirdly sensual song. But in this case, it's not weird because of the general mood that Phantom Phans expect in their musicals—it’s weird because of who was involved.
Yes, Love Never Dies shoehorns in a paternity story worthy of Maury Povich. And wouldn’t you know it, Raoul, you are not the father. (The book this show is based on artfully handles this by having Raoul get his manhood shot off in war, rendering him unable to have children. Brilliant.) Instead, the 10-year-old boy who, only a few songs ago, had been essentially marked for death if Christine didn’t sing his awful song—well, that boy came courtesy of the Phantom. (Spoiler: she sings it. It’s called Love Never Dies, and it’s a lugubrious, slobbering mess of a narrative climax that brings nothing to the story we didn’t already know.)
How does he know this? It’s because the kid has some musical talent. Surely he got it from Phantom’s side of the family because genetics and not because his mother is a working opera singer who actually raised him. Obviously.
Well, now the Phantom is overjoyed that he has a son. Conceived in a one-night stand after Christine managed to track down the Phantom—when a raging mob with pitchforks and torches couldn’t find him—the Phantom’s cold heart turns once he learns the truth, and now he’s Super Dad.
These are your… roommates?”
Now that the Phantom knows this, he’s determined to show the boy just how great things are for him. And of course, the gormless Gustave suspects nothing, because the plot needs it to happen, and so he follows the Phantom’s ‘free candy’ sign down to his Coney Island kink dungeon, complete with sliding mirrors, smoke, and leather-bound dancers wearing gimp masks. This we follow while the two of them trade poorly written, pseudo-erotic lines—remember, the kid’s ten years old and apparently, his son.
Finally, the Phantom tells Gustave he’ll “accept” and “embrace” the “splendor and the glory” of “The Beauty Underneath,” promises to “show him” if he can “take it,” the kid belts out a wildly enthusiastic “Yes!” at the top of his lungs, the Phantom proceeds to do exactly that… and the kid screams and runs off. Double yuck.
I’m skeeved out just typing it—never mind that he’s actually talking about his grotesque face and not what these dialogue exchanges usually entail. I’d say “shoot me,” but my name isn’t Christine Daaé… more on that later.
Substack’s Telling Me To Wrap Up This Post!
It says it’s too long - I say I’m traumatized by this carriage wreck of a musical and this is my therapy for having it sit on my head for fifteen years. The rest of the post is coming tomorrow, along with a little chatter about the new series I’m working on (slowly)! Plus, cat pictures coming soon too. See you then!